If Ignorance Is Bliss, Am I Too Smart to Be Happy?

I hesitated to write this post because I know how cocky it may make me seem. (Of course, if you know me, you probably already use that word to describe me. Ha.) Plus, it practically begs others to catch me in the middle of some stupid mistake. 


But, I happened to be on www.dictionary.com and wouldn't you know it? This is the word of the day:

 OBSCURANTISM      opposition to the increase and spread of knowledge

So, now I figure it's some grand sign from the universe or something. <smirk>


Let me make this much clear from the beginning: my frustrations do not stem from the idea that I'm just so much smarter than the general population that I can hardly tolerate others. Rather, I'm well aware that, while I am indeed intelligent, I'm certainly not the smartest person in existence. There are soooo many people who are brilliant compared to me. 


This is the very reason that I'm baffled about how things that seem so obvious to me (a barely above-average person) are apparently difficult for others to grasp. 


I recently came to this realization: Ignorance is not the same thing as stupidity. Ignorance is a lack of knowledge whereas stupidity is the inability to learn. (Or, at least, the inability to learn easily.)


So now I think my irritation does not come from believing there are too many stupid people in the world. Instead, I think there are too many lazy people. That's right, too many people who are too apathetic to educate themselves.


Apparently it's just convenient to not be knowledgeable (thus the bliss - without working towards something, you're basically on a perpetual vacation from reality). There seems to be this common belief that being uninformed somehow absolves one of personal responsibility. 


Um, that's not how it works. You can throw all of your bills into the trash without opening them, but that doesn't change the debt you owe. 


(And, ahem, if you're alive then you owe something good to the world. We all should be contributing.)


Perhaps, it's because I've spent the last year working in a customer-service-type position that my frustrations have escalated. While I have the pleasure of interacting with many pleasant people, I'm also exposed to a vast number of less-than-charming and idiotic people. 


Some particularly annoying things happen a little too frequently. For example, there is a form patients fill out that asks this optional question: What is your religion? 


The list includes Catholic and Protestant. Too often, the patient looks at me and says, "Uh, I'm a Christian. Why isn't that on here?" And then eventually I hear this statement, "But I'm Baptist (or Methodist, Pentecostal, etc) not Protestant."


Now, do I expect everybody to know that Baptist is a denomination under the Protestant religion? Nope. But if you're going to consider yourself a die-hard Christian, dedicated to a certain belief system associated with the title Baptist/Methodist/Pentecostal/whatever, and especially if you're going to go around touting that you have Jesus, so you have all the answers... then YES, I expect you to know what the fuck you're talking about. And that most certainly includes knowing the very basics of your religion of choice.


This is a minor thing. My real grievance is with the world at large. Because the world is an illogical place - and I plead with someone to prove me wrong.


Why are there so many kind and wholesome women who struggle to get pregnant only to then miscarry four times when there are other women who have four abortions in a matter of three years because they're too lazy to use actual birth control?


Why is it illegal in this country to drive, smoke, drink or join the military before a certain age, but the government will pay for a teenage girl to give birth to a child she will neither love nor take proper care of? 


Why do people seem to think it's okay for a wealthy celebrity to pay over ten million dollars for a wedding (and then get divorced two months later!) when there is so much hunger and disease in the world? I believe in enjoying life, but I'm not okay with blatant disregard to the current human existence. I do no care how much of your wealth you already donate to charity - it is not acceptable to spend that disgusting amount of money on a single luxurious event when there is still so much suffering in the world.


I know this post is... depressing. But sometimes the frustration in my mind and the heavy feeling in my chest is too much to keep inside. These are the things that keep me up at night - and understandably so. When your eyes are wide-open, how can you sleep?


Writing (and, yes, sarcasm) is my weapon of defense.

*As you can see, I've always had this little smirk*

If Ignorance Is Bliss, Am I Too Smart to Be Happy?

I hesitated to write this post because I know how cocky it may make me seem. (Of course, if you know me, you probably already use that word to describe me. Ha.) Plus, it practically begs others to catch me in the middle of some stupid mistake. 


But, I happened to be on www.dictionary.com and wouldn't you know it? This is the word of the day:

 OBSCURANTISM      opposition to the increase and spread of knowledge

So, now I figure it's some grand sign from the universe or something. <smirk>


Let me make this much clear from the beginning: my frustrations do not stem from the idea that I'm just so much smarter than the general population that I can hardly tolerate others. Rather, I'm well aware that, while I am indeed intelligent, I'm certainly not the smartest person in existence. There are soooo many people who are brilliant compared to me. 


This is the very reason that I'm baffled about how things that seem so obvious to me (a barely above-average person) are apparently difficult for others to grasp. 


I recently came to this realization: Ignorance is not the same thing as stupidity. Ignorance is a lack of knowledge whereas stupidity is the inability to learn. (Or, at least, the inability to learn easily.)


So now I think my irritation does not come from believing there are too many stupid people in the world. Instead, I think there are too many lazy people. That's right, too many people who are too apathetic to educate themselves.


Apparently it's just convenient to not be knowledgeable (thus the bliss - without working towards something, you're basically on a perpetual vacation from reality). There seems to be this common belief that being uninformed somehow absolves one of personal responsibility. 


Um, that's not how it works. You can throw all of your bills into the trash without opening them, but that doesn't change the debt you owe. 


(And, ahem, if you're alive then you owe something good to the world. We all should be contributing.)


Perhaps, it's because I've spent the last year working in a customer-service-type position that my frustrations have escalated. While I have the pleasure of interacting with many pleasant people, I'm also exposed to a vast number of less-than-charming and idiotic people. 


Some particularly annoying things happen a little too frequently. For example, there is a form patients fill out that asks this optional question: What is your religion? 


The list includes Catholic and Protestant. Too often, the patient looks at me and says, "Uh, I'm a Christian. Why isn't that on here?" And then eventually I hear this statement, "But I'm Baptist (or Methodist, Pentecostal, etc) not Protestant."


Now, do I expect everybody to know that Baptist is a denomination under the Protestant religion? Nope. But if you're going to consider yourself a die-hard Christian, dedicated to a certain belief system associated with the title Baptist/Methodist/Pentecostal/whatever, and especially if you're going to go around touting that you have Jesus, so you have all the answers... then YES, I expect you to know what the fuck you're talking about. And that most certainly includes knowing the very basics of your religion of choice.


This is a minor thing. My real grievance is with the world at large. Because the world is an illogical place - and I plead with someone to prove me wrong.


Why are there so many kind and wholesome women who struggle to get pregnant only to then miscarry four times when there are other women who have four abortions in a matter of three years because they're too lazy to use actual birth control?


Why is it illegal in this country to drive, smoke, drink or join the military before a certain age, but the government will pay for a teenage girl to give birth to a child she will neither love nor take proper care of? 


Why do people seem to think it's okay for a wealthy celebrity to pay over ten million dollars for a wedding (and then get divorced two months later!) when there is so much hunger and disease in the world? I believe in enjoying life, but I'm not okay with blatant disregard to the current human existence. I do no care how much of your wealth you already donate to charity - it is not acceptable to spend that disgusting amount of money on a single luxurious event when there is still so much suffering in the world.


I know this post is... depressing. But sometimes the frustration in my mind and the heavy feeling in my chest is too much to keep inside. These are the things that keep me up at night - and understandably so. When your eyes are wide-open, how can you sleep?


Writing (and, yes, sarcasm) is my weapon of defense.

*As you can see, I've always had this little smirk*

The Truth's Quirks

The truth hurts.

So... either I have an unusually high level of pain tolerance or I get some kind of minute amount of pleasure from pain - because I have an obsession with the truth.

See, I'm that chick who could handle being cheated on or stolen from without flinching but can't stand being lied to about it. It's not those actions that would get to me as much as the deception. I guess it's because it insults my intelligence, and that annoys me more than most things.

I also have pretty decent intuition. So what happens is if I suspect you aren't being completely forthright about how you feel/why you feel/what you've done/why you've done it and so, I'll push and push until I hear you say it.

And let me just tell ya, it's exhausting. Most people are lying to themselves so it's extremely difficult to be honest with someone else.

Now, am I suggesting that my love for the truth means I never lie? Yup.
(Ahem, that was a lie.)

However, I am indeed quite truthful and this has gotten me in trouble on numerous occasions. The thing is, I feel like if I can admit to being clumsy and sometimes abrasively direct and sarcastic and dramatic at times, I think it gives me permission to point out when you're being a control freak or overly sensitive or if the pants you're wearing are completely unflattering. (Let me clarify, though, this isn't information that I'll necessarily volunteer; I'll just be honest if you ask - or if you provoke me.)

Shockingly, this doesn't always go over well.

(And let me also add that my truthfulness does not just include negative things. I don't mind telling you when your girlfriend looks hot in that dress or if the job you just landed suits your talents.)

Where am I going with all of this? Well, lately I've discovered something that has been... well, a hard truth. It turns out that sometimes the truth is just as much emotional as it is factual. And that makes it complicated. That means the truth isn't flawless and that, to be blunt, it's quirky.

I'll use the *awesome* show True Blood as an example. (Not just because the title of the show itself is perfect for this post, heehee.) I love and adore Bill - and I was well aware that things were never really "over" between him and our darling heroin -- but, damn, was I thrilled when Sookie finally hooked up with Eric (and admitted the attraction that was there all along).
*I'm not even going to bring Alcide into the picture at this point. Whew.

Yeah, it's TV but life it full of situations like that (minus the biting and crazy-powerful blood, but you know what I mean). That's why "love triangle" is such a common term and theme. Yes, you can truly have feelings for more than one person just like you can truly have a friend that you simultaneously love and hate. You can have more than one motivation for your actions - I'd venture to say that's the case most of the time, actually.

I'm writing this mostly to myself, as a reminder to go easier on people when it comes to my investigation of the extreme truth. Why? Because most people can't handle the truth.

It's too much work. I've got to breathe a little easier and channel my energy into the situations that really matter.

And I've come to this conclusion: The truth is not black and white or even shades of grey. It is simply a piercing white (hear me out; I'm not being racist) that is in actuality made up of a spectrum of colors. For some people, it is easier to focus on a single hue. Lucky for me, I can handle - and prefer - looking into the intensity of that bright light that encompasses the full rainbow.

Re-Lie-Able

I've got two types of people in my life:

the reliable ones 

and

those who are able to lie repeatedly 

What sucks is that I seem to have a whole lot more of the latter than the former. I can name several people who are charming and funny and smart, whose company I simply adore. The problem is, I never can count on actually having their company. (Which is kind of ridiculous, because I'm pretty damn charming and funny and smart myself.)

I can't even count the number of times I've made plans to meet someone for lunch or for shopping or for a movie... and then had that someone send a text or call at the last minute to say he/she is not coming because of same random lame-ass excuse (I'm tired... I forgot...I just met the hottest guy ever... my ex just stopped by to talk...). Or WORSE he/she is doesn't even bother to contact me at all!

It's not that I have an issue being alone - I can rock a table of one, no problem. It just blows my mind, because I simply can't fathom doing that to someone. If I make plans to do something with you, I'm going to do everything I can to keep our arrangement. And if for some reason I can't, I'm sure as hell going to give you as much notice as possible... and I'm going to be pretty apologetic about canceling (especially if I'm aware of the trouble you've gone through to get off work or to spend your gas money or arrange for a sitter, etc).

If you have a major event coming up (birthday, graduation, wedding, the birth of your child...) you can generally count on me to be there. For those of you who can't say the same, I'm actually a little jealous of your ability to be so self-centered.

Yeah, that sounds a little harsh, but I mean it. Partially, because it irritates the hell out of me when somebody says he/she is going to do something or be somewhere, when he/she knows from the very beginning it's untrue. But secondly, I've realized something. Yes, part of the reason I'm going to be there for you is because I care about you and support you; it's how I show my love. But it's also not about you at all - it's because of who I am. I'm just the dependable sort. (Sure, I've got a series of flaws, but unreliability ain't one of them.)

Because of realizing this, I've had to change some things. I've literally had to refrain from being "too supportive." I think sometimes my friends don't want me to drive three hours to be at their 4-year-old's birthday party, because it puts pressure on them to do the same... and they know in their heart, it simply isn't going to happen. It doesn't mean they don't care about me; they'd just prefer to keep in touch with me through Facebook.
(If you really really do want me there, just say so!)

For those of you who remember my birthday, don't bail on me at the last minute, who'd never dream of saying  you're going to be somewhere and leave me searching for your presence... for those of you who have rescued me from sucky situations at your own inconvenience... god, I love you! I'm so grateful to have you in my life -and shame on me if I've ever made you feel under-appreciated.

You're my <delicious> cake batter; everyone else is just a sprinkle. :)   

 For those of you who are genuinely hurt or annoyed by this blog, I'm sorry. But if you have the right to be unreliable and still consider yourself my friend, I have the right to bitch about it and still be your friend ;) XOXO

Oh Hoppy Day, Mommy

A couple of mornings ago Gavin (my clearly very intelligent 2-year-old) climbed into my bed and tapped me on the shoulder. I opened my eyes slowly and he grinned.

"Mommy, what's a cow say?" He whispered.When I didn't respond immediately, he answered, "Moooo!"

A moment later he asks, "Momma, what's a dinosaur say?" I yawned. He continued with a "Rawr!!"

Just as I was closing my eyes again he says, "Mommy, what's a bunny say?"


This time I opened my eyes, puzzled. What does a bunny "say"?? 


Without missing a beat he responds, "Oh hoppy day!"

(That's right, he's TWO. Does he even get the joke? I'm not sure... but he sure gets comedic points in my book.)

I've been giggling for days now, every time I replay that moment in my head. There's no way to deny it, one of the most exhilarating days of my existence was when that little boy arrived... and the days have been pretty "hoppy" ever since.

Especially since I've been working at an OB/GYN office, I've noticed pregnancy and  childbirth are the perfect parallel to what motherhood is like. You're going to grow and change, everything that you're used to will be stretched and you won't always like the results.

You'll be exhausted and nauseated at times, but you're only real concern is not about you at all - you want to feel the baby move, hear the racing heartbeat within your belly, see a tiny face on a black and white screen, hear that first irritated cry, see that beautifully misshapen head emerge from your body and put on your chest...

There are always going to be moments of intense pain and fear and panic - when you love someone that deeply, those emotions are unavoidable. But as cliche' as it is, you really do forget those excruciating moments as soon as you know your child is safe. It's a unique relationship and it certainly deserves to be acknowledged.

To all the mommies out there, and especially to my own: Don't forget that you may be the one and only person in your child's life who is capable of loving him/her unconditionally. You may not always be properly acknowledged, but your role is incredibly significant. May the things you've done "right" outweigh any poor decisions and may you receive a love that comes close to matching what you give.

Oh, hoppy Mommies Day, ladies!! 

(**Thank you Ashton, Brianna and Gavin for making my life waaaay more meaningful**)
(Mom, I know I can reveal anything about myself and you'll accept me no matter what - thank you, I love you! Ma Cat, you did what you could with what you had - I know it was never easy. Thanks u xoxo! Annetti, you're a good mother. Thanks for embracing me.)

Please Sit on the Fence; It Has the Best View

I'm pretty good about seeing (and sympathizing) with both sides of any story. It's been both a blessing and a curse... because it usually happens even in my own personal situations when it would be pretty convenient to focus only on my side of things.

It's just a part of my Aquarian nature. [I know there are arguments now that we've all been labeled under the wrong sign, but let me assure you that no matter where and how the stars lined up on the day I was born, I am the epitome of an Aquarius - and proud of it, as any true Aquarian would be ;)]

My whole life I have heard the term "on the fence" used with a negative connotation. It means a person is weak and indecisive; it means that one is a slimy coward who has commitment issues.

Well, I beg to differ. You're not a coward for being on the fence - a coward would be afraid of heights! Sitting on the fence doesn't necessarily mean that you're taking the easy route, too lazy to make a decision. Being on the fence is hard work and often uncomfortable.  But it's worth it because the truth is when you're on the fence, you have the best vantage point of the situation. (It's also akin to that other popular phrase "taking the high road," wouldn't you agree?)


The cliche actually just means you're in a neutral position, which I translate to mean peaceful. It means you don't see the world strictly black and white, but recognize all the different colors and even the vast variations of those colors. It means that being human - flawed but compassionate and understanding and kind - is more important to you than being "right."

Anyone can throw a tantrum on nice solid ground - kicking and screaming and shaking fists all to make a point. But doing that while sitting a on fence? I don't think so. Sitting on the fence requires balance, my friend. Balance. And isn't that something we all aim for in this life?

So I entice you: Sit on the fence, please. Enjoy the view.

Kind of Nice

How you treat other people is more about who YOU are and less about the other people.
I'm sure I'm not the first person to say that, but I've realized it's pretty freakin' true.

It's obviously not good to be mean to others, so I want to focus on the difference in being nice and being kind. I mean, nice people are cool... they're polite, they tolerate others, they're... nice. But kindness surpasses niceness.

Forgive me, I've been too lazy (or, ahem, reallllly busy) to do the in-depth research about the root of the word "kind", but it seems like it is somehow related to words like "kin, kindred" etc. That's how I got my little epiphany.

When you are kind to someone, you are saying "I recognize we are kindred, we are related, we are of the same kind." It's looking beyond age, gender, race, sexual orientation and every other possible difference and acknowledging that we are all connected.

When I looked up "kind" in the thesaurus, "nice" wasn't even listed as a synonym! Niceness may tolerate you, but kindness accepts you... loves you because you are family.

Kindness is putting namaste into action. 

Happy 25

I have never understood a person who doesn't like to celebrate his birthday or a woman who is ashamed of her age. Sure, it's just another day - nothing miraculous happens at midnight or anything. Still - it's the one day a year when the people around you are supposed to stop and remember why they are grateful you're here. It's not about celebrating a day; it's about celebrating YOU. And, why the hell should you be ashamed of your age?? At one point did that ever make sense? Especially if you're taking care of yourself - you should be proud to look good and be knowledgeable at whatever age you are.

Well I turn 25 today and I woke up feeling... beautiful... whole... happy.

It's not that I no longer screw up or make mistakes. It's just that I'm capable of receiving criticism (constructive or not). I'm not afraid to take responsibility for my actions and I know how to make a genuine apology.

It's not that my legs grew longer or my boobs got bigger. I've just realized that my body is beautiful as is, so I take care of it and appreciate it. Somewhere along the way small became lovely and short became sexy.

It's not that I've had my novel published and now I feel affirmed. It's just that I have learned that I am a writer, published or not, and I'm confident in submitting my work.

It's not that all of my relationships are smooth and easy. I've just figured out that the ones that are worth it are worthy of dealing with the rough and bumpy parts. And I know now that I'M worth it- I deserve to be loved not just when I do something right, but when I'm struggling too. 

It's not that I think I have a superior relationship with God. It's just that I know that my spirituality cannot be determined by anyone else. There is something I feel beneath my skin in the space that links my heart to my belly button that makes me know I am loved, I am connected... and I am not afraid.

I woke up today feeling beautiful, whole... and happy. Happy birthday to me.

A Letter to Wisdom

Wisdom: Apprehending true nature through intuitive understanding: Insight.

My Darling Little Boy, Gavin Wisdom Scott,

    When we first decided to use Wisdom as your middle name, I just thought it was cool. I mean all the time you hear of girls named Faith, Joy, Grace or Hope - yet how often do you meet a guy named Truth, Justice or Trust? 

     Over time I've realized that we could not have chosen a more appropriate name for you. Wisdom is about seeing allll the little details but never losing sight of the big picture... comprehending that life and people really are good at the root of it all. Wisdom is about seeing the motivation and not getting sidetracked by the action.

     Gavin, you are the indisputable raw evidence that at least once in my life I got it right. The moment you looked at me with those intensely alert eyes, my heart stopped - yet I didn't feel like I was about to die, to cease existing. I realized there was so much more to my very being, that I had barely begun to live in the first place.

      Over the last two years you have made my heart stop and made it race on a fairly consistent basis. And I don't mind, because you've put this heart of mine to the best possible use - you have taught it to love without condition. Yup, beyond the crazy heart palpitations is a slow and steady pulse that will never desist. You have taught my heart something it simply cannot unlearn. I can never stop loving you.

      I love that you talk too much and repeat EVERYTHING that I say. I love that heartbreakingly adorable little gap between your front teeth. I adore the way you laugh. I'm crazy about your dance moves and your obvious natural music ability. I love how you think smiling means you're supposed to squint your eyes. It makes me grin how you think a hug is not a hug unless you've been patted on the back. I love your big ole head and that floppy hair - those ocean eyes of yours melt my heart.

     I love the way you say "Mommy"... I love YOU.

    Happy 2nd Birthday, Baby Boy!!!